Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
