I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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