I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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