How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
