dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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