i may or may not be watching the land before time
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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