There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
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He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
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A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask