Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
this hospital has no fireball
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
