I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.