Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize