My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out