this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
