Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
