I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
