But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
