just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
