I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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