Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
