i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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