Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
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My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
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I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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