It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
