Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
