I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
