I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
