sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
