Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
