just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
