do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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