6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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