I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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