no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
