My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
21 Awkward Ways People Found Out Their Partner Was Into Outrageous Sex Acts
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY