I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
