my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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