so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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