mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
