thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Randomize
