I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
