I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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