So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
