I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
