My room smells like vodka and shame
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
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I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
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I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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