What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
