you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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