Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Someone came in the potted fern
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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