Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
