She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
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