So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
