im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
