Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
