see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
