3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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