Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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