I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
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Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
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I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
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