yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
