Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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