bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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