so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
