I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
