So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
