And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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