I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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