Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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