1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
