and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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