my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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