Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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