my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
