he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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