I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
