Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
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